7 | Honoring Self When You Have Out Of Character Moments

Welcome back.

Today we're going to talk about the reality of "out of character" moments.

These are the moments where you DID something that was not aligned with WHO you are.

These moments start with a level of stress, tiredness, overwhelm that seem to make your emotions go haywire - and cause a reaction from you that leaves you with a sense of regret.

You say things like "I shouldn't have said that" or "I shouldn't have done that."

If we were to break these moments down into their simplest form it's this:

WHAT you did did not equal who you are.

You acted out of character.

And I love this language - because it takes the power away from these moments.

It is simple. You acted out of character. That's it.

Now, to course correct, you simply take a next step back in character.

And what I normally see happen is this shame spiral start. Where one disappointing action causes the mind to start writing entire narratives informing your identity.

And I get it. We as human beings are all one step away from doing something we really regret.

No one is perfect. We're not robots. We have emotions. We have physical bodies that sometimes get tired, or have hormones that cause our minds to go to places that don't make it easy to be WHO we really are.

For example: let's say someone does something that really upsets you. You're tired, you're frustrated, you're overextended, and you lash out with anger and frustration and say things you aren't proud of. And act in a way you're not proud of.

Or let's say you're a parent and you just lashed out at your kids for leaving toys on the floor and you immediately regret raising your voice because you know you could totally handle that moment better.

Or it's Thursday, you're more on the tired side, and instead of going to get your normal workout in, you choose to just skip it not only on Thursday, but Friday and Saturday as well.

You have two options in these moments:

Option 1: you allow WHAT you just did to inform WHO you are moving forward

Option 2: you allow WHO you are to inform WHAT you do moving forward

Option 1 - allows the "lashing out in anger because someone really upset you" to be the voice in your head that says "you're a bad person" "you're out of control"

Option 2 - would see that moment. Maybe hear that voice. But get to "that's not who I am. I'm not an out of control person" - and then get neutral and curious. "I wonder what made me respond that way. And you take a minute to learn about yourself. And then you remind yourself who you are - yes, I just had an angry moment and I have righteous anger towards things in this world that I care about. But I'm a person of composure and self control. So my next step is to return to my composure, and in self control - do this ___.

Option 1 - you just raised your voice to your kids: allows the raising your voice to your kids to stick with you all day and entertain the voice saying "I'm a horrible parent" now you have that sense of identity moving forward into the future with you, informing who you are.

Option 2 - you just raised your voice to your kids: and you immediately realize. I just let frustration get to me and do something that was out of character. But I'm a loving parent that knows how to handle those moments way better. So my next step is ____.

Option 1 - it's Sunday and you feel down about missing the last three days of working out. You allow your voice to go towards "I'm not capable" "I can't do this" "I'm not enough"

Option 2 - it's Sunday and you know you've missed the last three days of working out. You get neutral and curious knowing it's not in your character to break a commitment to yourself. So you look back on your week. And notice you didn't get ahead of a certain project, or make a request for more time. So you had more stress than usual on your plate for work Monday - Thursday and you got about 2 hours less sleep per night. You come back to the foundation of who you are - you're disciplined, you're healthy. You are the sole responsibility holder of your physical body. So you make sure that moving forward you make requests at work to keep the workload manageable by making a request where you don't need to put yourself into that position again.

Do you see the difference?

It seems option 1 is the default if we're not aware.

We allow moments of regret to inform our character.

And that's what shame feels like.

But here's my question: how does that help anyone?

It doesn't.

If anything it makes it worse. If I allow WHAT I just did to inform who I am, then I'll now set myself up to allow that type of behavior more and more - because hey it's just who I am. I'm reactive. I explode. I'm a lasher. I'm lazy.

It just reinforces the behavior that you don't actually want.

But what if you leaned into the mental rep of option 2.

And I call it a mental rep because it really does relate with a physical workout. We're training new mind muscles here. We're creating new pathways of thought. The scientific term is neuroplasticity. And it's powerful. Our mind is powerful and unlocking if we work with it. Our brain has the power to change by what we choose to think about.

So option 2: the moment you feel the pang of regret and disappointment in yourself.

Speak to who you are. Remind yourself of who you are. And then decide on your next action in accordance with it.

Choose to allow WHO you are to inform WHAT you do next.

Act IN character.

I've said this before, but honoring self involves action.

It starts in the mind, but it involves action.

We can't simply think "this is who I am" all day long and then act out of alignment.

If you just acted OUT of character.

Lean back on your sturdy foundation of WHO you are to take a next action step IN character.

And here's a little tip: you will rarely FEEL motivated to do this. So if you're waiting to feel like yourself again in only thought, don't. Sometimes our mind needs to follow the body.

So decide to take action according to your character, to who you are, DO something and watch your character get right with itself again.

Sometimes action is needed. To do something that generates momentum to WHO you are.

Honor can't exist without discipline. And this is what we're talking about here.

When there's a gap between who you are and what you do - it causes an internal lack of honor towards self.

And now you're on the path to becoming a leader that doesn't have capacity to honor others.

However. If you do - live in alignment to WHO you are, imagine what that is like. To wake up with honor towards yourself. Because YOU show up for yourself. You are not someone who renegotiates with your own commitments. You are not someone who lets themselves off the hook when things get tough or uncomfortable. You live in accordance to who you are despite the ebbs and flows of what's around you. You lean on your character in tough times and find clarity to keep taking forward steps of momentum. You also relax into your character with true enjoyment in the good, quiet times because you are SECURE in who you are.

You can sit with yourself and truly enjoy BEING who you are.

That's the type of leader worth following.

That's the type of leader worth becoming.

So when you have out of character moments.

That's all they are.

They were one moment. Where you acted out of character. That's it.

Remind yourself of who you are.

And then take a next step as yourself.

Out of character moments happen ALL the time for us.

We don't need to be surprised that something got to us.

And we made a misstep.

We don't need to be surprised that we chose the easier route of comfort.

And did something we're not proud of.

In the span of minutes, you can get back to who you are.

And over time, with these small moments stacking up,

You will grow more and more into a person of honor.

So, let's just start with today.

If you had an out of character moment today, your next step is to remind yourself who you are and then take one action step accordingly.

That's all for today. I'll see you soon.