23 | Culture of Honor For Your Family

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Welcome back.

Today we’re going to talk more about what a culture of honor could look like in your family.

I’m going to use a story from a friend who applied this with her oldest son who is about 16.

One day after school, my friend got a call about her son misbehaving that day at school. They let her know he had detention during lunch and would have detention during lunch for the rest of that week.

So, she and her husband actually discussed this concept of culture of honor.

They asked each other what does this culture of honor look like in this situation with their son, Will.

And here’s where they landed.

The focus of a culture of honor is to build others up by emphasizing “WHO” they are.

Emphasizing their character.

And this was truly an out-of-character moment for their son.

They had never received a call from a teacher of his due to poor behavior.

So, for them, they took a breath, and widened their perspective a bit.

Instead of reacting and responding with disappointment and more consequence when he got home, they decided that once he got home, they’d sit him down and start with asking him questions.

Here’s why: usually an out-of-character moment is a cry for help. It’s a marker that something else is going on.

So they sat down with their son together, and opened the conversation up like that.

They said, “Will, we got a call from your teacher about something you did today. It seems out of character for you and just for you to know, we know who you are. That behavior isn’t you. So we’re not going to add more consequences on top of what the school is already having you do. But we do want to hear more of what’s going on and maybe figure out with you what may have caused that behavior.

They went on to say, “However, if this behavior happens again, there will need to be some consequences because that behavior isn’t okay.”

Okay - here’s what I appreciate about this real life story.

What usually happens when someone (especially in our family) has an out-of-character moment, we freak out and allow that out-of-character behavior to inform their character.

For example, a child acts out at school.

Or, a sibling makes a poor decision out one night.

Or, a parent loses their cool.

Or, a grand parent says something really offensive.

How quick do we give power to that one action?

How quick do we start saying things like, “I’m really concerned he/she is dot dot dot.”

In essence, we allow one out-of-character moment to inform their character.

We allow one out-of-character moment to inform who we know them to be.

And that to me is the opposite of a culture of honor.

A TRUE culture of honor, would have people fighting for my character.

Reminding me of who I am.

A true culture of honor is an environment that believes in WHO people are and calls them up to that.

It’s a culture that has enough respect for people to know they’ll figure it out, if we give them some space to talk, some room to process, and a steady line of reminding them of who they are.

This is truly believing in people.

This is the power of what a family can do.

Imagine being in that environment.

That even when a stressful season of life gets to you, and overwhelms you, and you make a decision that just isn’t you.

Imagine your closest family responding with, “Hey, I know that’s not who you are. I’m here for you to talk through things and I know you’ll right this ship. This is a season. It will pass. And you will come out stronger on the other side of it.”

Time. Patience. Belief.

Low control. High accountability.

I’ll say that again.

Low control. High accountability.

What do I mean by that?

Sometimes, with those we love and care the most about, we lean towards the side of trying to control or even believing that we can control their life out of an expression of love and care.

However, that can come across in a way that harms someone’s self worth, more than it helps.

The invitation today, is to just try it out. What would it look like if we committed to speaking life into WHO our families members are.

Let go of addressing WHAT they do. Let go of trying to control what they do with their life.

And maybe just for a week - affirm their character. Affirm WHO they are.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if you noticed their actions and behavior start shifting in a positive direction.

For me personally, I had the amazing gift of experiencing this with my own parents.

I am an identical twin, and because of that, our parents made sure to really help us to grow into our own identities.

So they focused a lot of conversation and feedback and parenting around WHO we were.

And the foundation they cultivated in my sister and I on WHO we were set up our actions, behaviors and decisions to function from that foundation.

. . .

So on that note, think of the family member you have the most interaction with, or perhaps the family member that is the hardest to interact with.

What would it look like, if the next interaction you have with them, whether it’s a phone call, a dinner conversation, a car ride - what would it look like if you stopped trying to steer their behavior - and simply affirmed who they are.

For example, instead of trying to get your parents to take better care of their health, you can emphasize aspects of their character that you just really love, admire and appreciate.

Or another example, instead of trying to get your son or daughter to execute their new skillset in their sport a certain way, just take a minute and express how much you enjoy watching their effort and focus and attitude during their practice.

Or another example, instead of trying to get a grandparent to appreciate your career path, simply find one aspect of their character that you admire and share it with them.

Here’s another example, instead of trying to get a sibling to act or think a certain way, instead of trying to change them, just express one thing you appreciate about who they are.

The list could go on.

But it’s your turn to get creative, and identify one family member and one aspect of WHO they are that you express to them instead of trying to change them or control their actions or decisions.

Try this out, and let me know how it goes!

I can’t wait to hear.

For now, that’s all for today. I’ll see you soon.