9 | Step 1: Get Clear on Who and What
- Mar 13
- 2 min read
Updated: Mar 24
Read the lesson.
Welcome back.
Today we’re going to cover the 1st step of 5 steps in 1-1 healthy conflict.
For starters here’s when you need 1-1 healthy conflict. Because it’s different than group conflict that is all about strategic decision making and collaboration on behalf of a greater mission.
1-1 conflict is all about the relationships, the connection between teammates, between comrades, between family members.
When trust is lost, connection breaks. And when that happens, the essence of team is being lost.
So 1-1 healthy conflict is all about being ready for when (not if) someone breaks our trust, dissappoints us, or misses an expectation.
So perhaps the first step before anything else is to set your mind and your heart on the motivation behind 1-1 healthy conflict. which determines if it’s healthy or unhealthy.
Healthy 1-1 conflict is set by the motivation to reconnect.
Unhealthy 1-1 conflict set by the motivation to get back at someone, teach someone a lesson, make someone feel bad or ashamed for having done something or saying something. it’s usually led by emotions that are high, and is more on the reactive side versus responsive side.
Our goal here is to be self-aware, healthy processed emotions and seeking to connect in effective ways.
The way we approach our relationships in 1-1 conflict will determine the strength and vitality of them.
Let’s say you realize you’re upset with someone. this is your first signal to begin this 5 step process.
Maybe think of someone that you are upset with now. and try and think of something small you’re upset with someone about. that usually you wouldn’t lean into. but let’s try leaning into it today.
Your first step upon recognizing that man what they did or said, or did not say or did not do - upset me, or frustrated me, or disappointed me.
Step 1 - is simply clarifying who and what.
Who are you upset with?
And what did they do?
Make sure the answer to “who” is one person. Even if it seemed like multiple people contributed to an offensive or hurtful moment. Always choose one person to continue through these steps.
And make sure that the “what” is as specific as possible.
If your step one sounds like “Well they just didn’t show up well.”
I wouldn’t allow you to move on to step 2. Because there are multiple people mentioned, vaguely into of one person specifically. And there is not specific action clarified.
Don’t worry about the why or processing it.
Keep it simple and practical. because this first step is clarity. and most people miss it.
If you can get clear on who and what, then we can move to step 2.
And the cool thing here is this is self-awareness building.
1 minute of self-awareness is the backbone of all healthy cultures.
And you just did that.
So on that note, for the next day, just focus on practicing this first step. No response, no reaction, just awareness.
When you notice the gap is what we’re going to call it.
The gap between an expectation you had and reality. when you notice that gap, get clear on the gap. who and what.
That’s all for today.
I’ll see you soon.