8 | The 5 Steps of 1-1 Relational Healthy Conflict
- Mar 14
- 3 min read
Read the lesson.
Welcome back.
Up until now we’ve been talking about group conflict that is more about strategic decision making.
Now we are shifting to discussing 1-1 conflict.
And I’ll start by saying this: the real reason we do 1-1 conflict is about connection. Bonds of trust. That impact both our work and our relationships.
1-1 healthy conflict.
It’s something very few lean into, but those who do create unshakable teams.
And once again, this cultural shift starts with you. You don’t need to wait for your boss, or your coach or the CEO or anyone higher rank than you to begin normalizing healthy 1-1 conflict.
You can start. And I’m going to teach you how to do it with grace, patience, love and success.
For starters, there’s a simple check list that ensures you are building “healthy conflict” and not unhealthy conflict. This 5 step check list is something you can always have in mind, a tool you can learn once and use for the rest of your life for the relationships that matter most on your team at home, at work and in your community.
Let me go through them quickly:
Step 1: Get clear on the gap.
Recognize that you’re offended and get clear on what we’re going to call “the gap.” Get clear on who and what.
Step 2: Think on why.
Why did whatever happen stir up offense or frustration in you?
Step 3: Process emotions. healthy emotion window.
which we discuss further.
Step 4: Decide to lean in or let it go.
every offense you experience is either an offense you let go of or lean in to have a clear the air
Step 5: start with a question to clear the air
Do you notice that these are all based on self-awareness.
Meaning, those who embrace healthy conflict the best are people open to awareness of self.
Let me go through those 5 steps one more time:
The first step for ourselves in healthy conflict is to get clear on what I call the gap.
Someone has just offended you.
An emotion spiked, like shame, frustration, disappointment, anger, resentment,
tThat’s your queue to start getting clear: asking yourself these questions:
what just happened
what did it make me feel
why did what happened make me feel that way
Then you consider if your emotions are ready for a conversation:
Are they in a healthy range? Not too hot where your emotions are in the driver’s seat and not too cold where you’re let it get swept under the rug, where unfortunately it will get resurfaced again.
And now
you are ready to have a 1-1, face to face, conversation,
starting with positive assumptions and staying curious
kicking the conversation off with a question to get them speaking first.
It could sound something like:
“Hey can you help me understand why you said that in the meeting?
It really made me feel undermined
but I may be missing something,
and that’s why i wanted to come to you first…”
Okay . . . All of these steps we just went over
you have total agency over.
You can control leaning into self-awareness,
You can control regulating your emotions,
You can control the timing of when you open up that 1-1 conversation
and the way you open it up.
This is the self leadership when it comes to personally embracing 1-1 healthy conflict.
Most of us, including myself, really get stuck thinking we need the other person to do something, when in all honesty, we are the ones with the ball in our court.
If you are the offended one, it’s your responsibility to handle that offense.
How often do we get offended and then do the silent treatment, or start walking around with an attitude?
We’re going to change that.
Because that doesn’t do anything apart from make those around us walk on eggshells and put up more walls of division.
There’s a better way. A way that involves your emotions and feelings getting the space they deserve, so in a way you’re cultivating a more genuine way of honoring yourself. While at the same time. honoring someone else, by getting clear, getting your emotions sorted and sparking a great conversation that could very well lead to not just reconnection, but deeper connection.
On that note, that’s all for today. I can’t wait to dive into these five steps with you over the next five days.
See you soon!