11 | Step 3: Healthy Emotion Window
- Mar 11
- 6 min read
Updated: Mar 25
Read the lesson.
Welcome back.
Today we’re going to go through step 3 of healthy 1-1 conflict. I call it the Healthy Emotion Window.
At this point in time you’ve done step 1 of getting clear on who and what: who offended you and what they did to offend you.
And you’ve done step 2: processing why you were offended either by yourself or with a neutral and curious friend.
I want to pause here and reiterate how important these first two steps are.
This is an intention towards self-awareness, honesty, ownership, reflection and it’s 100% on you.
Without committing to these first two steps, we lose the gift of the process of healthy conflict.
Yes, the result of healthy conflict is our aim of restored connection when trust is lost.
However, the character growth we experience through the process of healthy conflict is just as valuable.
We learn about ourselves. We grow up a bit more. We mature.
On that note, let’s step into step 3 - the healthy emotion window.
The point of step 3 is about giving your emotions space to get into their healthiest window.
Let me start by encouraging you to avoid the aim of this step 3 being about an agenda for your emotions.
What I mean by that is sometimes we try and sweep things under the rug to try and control our emotions by suppression.
And this doesn’t work.
Emotions demand respect. For example, treat them like a piece of trash and they will smell up your entire house.
Try and sweep them or hide them or make them leave and they will never leave.
Let them run wild and do whatever they want and they will make a mess of your team and relationships and culture.
But give them respect, meaning space and attention, but with agency and self control, and you will develop a strong partnership with your emotions. Which is what they exist for.
They exist for you. They help signal where to pay attention.
So once again this 3rd step is not about an agenda for your emotions.
It’s about respecting your emotions with self-controlled space and awareness, so that you can honor yourself and the other person.
We can honor our emotions without giving them full control.
All they need is space and permission to be felt.
Now, let me introduce you to the Healthy Emotion Window.
Imagine a scale from 1 to 10.
1 means emotions are almost non-existent.
10 means emotions are as high as they can be and you most likely would regret any action you take from this place.
We’re going to establish the healthy emotion window as anything in between 4 and 7.
Below 4 means you’ve allowed emotions to go too low and you are at a point of not caring enough. This usually happens when we sweep things under the rug or delay addressing something with someone because we it was uncomfortable, and now too much time has passed and I don’t really care anymore. Unfortunately when this happens, it doesn’t deal with the thing. So there’s this little seed of disconnect that is there. Maybe not growing yet. But there.
And then anything above a 7 is a bit too high. This is where emotions take the steering wheel and start driving your actions. This is reacting. Taking action without thought. We usually regret things we say or things we do when we’re at an 8, 9 or 10.
So the goal in this step three is to process emotions and get into that healthy emotion window.
Let me walk through an example of what this looks like:
Let’s say I had a meeting with my boss on the calendar.
There were things I wanted to discuss around ideas I had for one of our biggest projects.
And ten minutes before the meeting my boss cancels the meeting.
Not a big deal from the outside looking in,
but I start seeing red.
I can feel my body start tensing up, my heart rate going up, etc.
By the way our bodies usually give us the first signal to pay attention.
I realize this, and I remember to go through the steps:
Step 1: Get clear on who and what.
Who offended me? My boss.
What did my boss do to offend me? Cancelled our meeting.
Okay, now I try and do Step 2 but realize I’m too hot.
This is where I am honest with myself that I really want to send a long text or email thread, but realize I am probably at an 8 right now and need to cool off.
This is the hard part here.
Because let’s be honest, when we are so worked up, we have so many things to say, our emotions are just itching to react.
It’s like there’s a gravitational pull to take an action step here.
To send a angry email.
To make a rash decision like “I quit.”
To decide a certain narrative about someone like “My boss is careless, insensitive and the worst leader ever.”
Nooooo. Instead give your emotions some space.
And remember we’re not looking to have them drop down to a 1.
We’re here to honor your emotions, your heart, you.
We’re not going numb to your feelings.
We’re not suppressing your heart.
We’re being self-aware leaders committed to building a culture of honor,
and by getting into a healthy emotion window,
we are doing the best thing not just for ourselves, but for those around us.
Okay, so I choose to go on a walk.
Moving the body is the best way to move the mind.
I give myself some time. Twenty minutes of walking at least to let the energy move through my body.
And I can actually feel calm and peace returning to me.
It’s crazy what a 20 minute pause can do for our team and relationships.
That narrative seems silly now.
That decision to quit seems silly now.
I’m so grateful I don’t have to deal with the negative consequences of that angry email.
I then call someone to process out and try and discover why.
Notice Step 2 and 3 can be interchangeable.
I call someone who knows what I need: which is processing. Healthy processing.
No gossip. No complaining. Processing.
They ask me questions. They listen. They ask more questions. They keep me talking.
And they know when to give feedback or edit.
Think of writers. The great ones have editors. Writers seek feedback. They understand outside perspective can help elevate their writing.
The people I go to the most for healthy processing are the ones who aren’t afraid to open up my perspective, not challenge my thinking, to give me loving feedback.
But not before they hear your heart, and just listen.
Presence goes the furthest in these conversations.
Not advice. Not “well this is what I’d do” - just permission to feel what you feel.
They keep it about you.
I don’t think we do this enough for each other.
We try and fix peoples emotions too quickly.
Or we bring up one of our stories to try and connect, but as a result we take the attention away from their heart.
Bringing it back to my example.
After I cooled off a bit on my 20 minute walk I call one of my “editors” let’s call them.
I share what I’m feeling and what happened. I don’t name names.
And they kick into gear knowing what to do. Starting to ask me questions.
Giving me space to think and respond more.
I share that I feel disrespected.
I share that I give a lot of effort, as much effort as I can to the company, and me going above and beyond to try and be a good teammate in solving a problem on a big project is not only not received, it’s not asked for.
Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.
I’m starting to learn about myself here.
I’m learning that I care about working with an all-in team under leadership that truly believes good ideas can come from anywhere.
The tendency here is to make decisions. But I encourage you to stay neutral and curious for as long as you can.
Because it’s in these calmer moments of emotion where we learn the most about ourselves.
What a gift.
What an opportunity.
At this point in time, I’m calm, I’m clear, I’m ready to connect.
This is how you know when you’re in a healthier emotion window.
Emotions are there. They are present. But they’re not in control.
On that note, let me wrap up today’s lesson with this.
Sometimes . . . sometimes . . . we experience something that really, really hurts us.
And getting into that healthy emotion window takes longer than the example I just used of 20 minutes.
To be honest 20 minutes is one of the shorter time periods to get into a healthy emotion window.
Sometimes it takes an hour.
Sometimes it takes an entire day.
Sometimes it takes a week.
Sometimes it takes a month.
Sometimes it takes a year.
This is where your own awareness comes into play.
And the encouragement is to be patient. But be intentional.
On that note, that’s all for today.
I’ll see you soon.