10 | Step 2: Answer Why
- Mar 12
- 4 min read
Updated: Mar 24
Read the lesson.
Welcome back.
We just covered step 1 of getting clear on the offense by answering the quesitons who just did something and what did they do that upset you.
Now we’re getting to a harder part of the clarity. The why.
Step 2 of the 1-1 health conflict process is answering why you’re upset or offended.
“why” is scientifically harder to answer than the who and what questions.
Answering “what” questions like who did something and what did they do - that language can be easily found through neocortex of the brain. The part of the brain that has easy capacity for language.
But when we get into “why” questions, we are actually tapping into a different part of the brain that doesn’t have as easy a time accessing language - this is the limbic part of your brain.
It’s not impossible - it just takes a bit more time and focus.
And that’s what we’re going to cover today.
Answering the reason you’re upset. Answering why.
Is important and here’s why:
You gain a level of self-awareness. For example, perhaps you didn’t realize you really cared about being on time. To you arriving on time is a sign of respect. Arriving late or making others wait is a big deal to you because that’s a direct sign of disrespect. Okay let me pause here. Our reasoning is usually so deeply embedded inside of our belief system, we automatically assume others must care about this too. Which is why when someone does something, like keeps you waiting by arriving late, you can’t actually comprehend that they’d do that and be okay doing that. That that action wouldn’t be offensive. Because you believe this as a universal truth. However, it’s not, but it’s something you believe in, and that’s for a reason. So even if feel like you’re the only person who cares about something, then you honor that about yourself. Because that’s part of your value system. Which exists for a reason. And according to what I believe personally, is designed in you with a purpose on purpose. Okay, so that’s the first reason clarifying the why is important. For you to develop self-awarness.
The second reason this is important is for you if you decide to lean into healthy 1-1 conflict. When we can explain what an action meant to us - in essence the reason behind why we were offended, or frustrated or hurt by that, then empathy happens, which is a type of connection. And now we’re getting to the magic of healthy conflict.
So let’s think about what happens when we skip this step.
You would risk not learning about yourself. You’d risk continuing to walk around assumming people just know what you care about and why. And you’d risk the ability to enhance connection with the person who offended you.
Let’s put this into practice for a moment.
Think of a recent moment of hurt or frustration.
Answer the easy questions of who hurt your or frustrated you.
What did they do specifically that hurt you or frustrated you.
By the way - make sure to be specific here.
It’s impossible for you to clarify the next question of WHY if you aren’t specific with WHAT and WHO.
And, like I said in the last session, also make sure WHO is one person.
Specific and clear is key to move to the next step of HEALTHY conflict.
Now, see if you can answer why that upset you. What’s behind the meaning of that action for you?
Let me talk to the external processers. The people who really need to talk out their thoughts.
Venting is really healthy.
I want to show you how to steer clear of gossip and stay on the path of healthy venting.
And here’s the secret: keep it about yourself.
You can PROCESS a situation with one of your inner circle people by keeping the focus on you, what you feel and why it might matter to you. You don’t even need to mention WHO. You can mention what happened and what it made you feel. And then ask them to help you process why.
Make sure this person is not someone who practices victim mindsets and just wants to pour fuel on the flame and get mad at someone. Make sure this is someone who believes in extreme ownership, who understands the gift of self-awareness and understands how to listen, ask questions, speak very few words and allow you to process.
Success in this conversation is YOU walking away knowing yourself better and having words to why this was offensive, upsetting or hurtful to you.
This conversation should feel neutral and curious.
Healthy processing is where character growth happens.
Okay, on that note, we’re going to keep it there. If you’ve never leaned into this kind of clarity, well done for stepping into for the first time today.
That’s all for today.
I’ll see you soon!