16 | 9 Myths of Relationship

Welcome back. I want to spend a few minutes talking specifically about how to someone out of the coworkers quadrant by strengthening the relational side of camaraderie.

When a coworkers culture is felt, that means there is a sense of shared mission but the relational connection is lacking.

Today I’m speaking to leaders like myself who tend to over-index on mission and under-invest in relationships. Today we’re going to get practical about how to change that, starting this week.

The way we’re going to approach relationships is by focusing on our language and how we communicate.

I’m going to be drawing on some powerful insights from the book "Supercommunicators" by Charles Duhigg. A c suite leader I’m good friends with recommended this book and it is packed. I’m excited to share what’s in this book, but I’d encouarge you to add this book to your reading list!

Okay! Let's get practical about how to transform our connections.

One of the core insights from Duhigg's work is that true connection happens when we move beyond transactional communication to what he calls "cognitive conversation" – where we actually try to understand how others think, not just what they're saying.

I’ll say that again: true connection happens when we move beyond transactional communication to what he calls "cognitive conversation" – where we actually try to understand how others think, not just what they're saying.

For starters, there are "three levels" of conversation of Supercommunicators Practice moving conversations through these layers:

• Level 1: Facts and information (weather, news, work updates)

• Level 2: Opinions and judgments (thoughts about a project, preferences)

• Level 3: Feelings and experiences (concerns, hopes, personal stories)

Most workplace conversations stay at level 1. This week, practice moving at least one conversation to level 2 or 3.

Myths to Bust

And we’re going to get into how to do that, by going through 9 myths and a

Myth #1: "Team building events create relationships." The truth is, forced fun rarely builds lasting connection. Those annual retreats with trust falls and rope courses? They might create shared memories, but they don't automatically translate to day-to-day relationships. Real connections happen in smaller moments spread across time. Don't confuse quantity with quality. Scheduling more team meetings won't automatically create better relationships. Five minutes of genuine connection beats an hour of superficial interaction every time.

Use the "two-chair" technique In important one-on-one conversations, Duhigg describes how supercommunicators mentally move between two positions: their own perspective and the other person's. Before your next important conversation, spend two minutes imagining the discussion from your colleague's viewpoint. 30 seconds of this will shift you trying to build relationship “with” them instead of “for” them.

Myth #2: "You need to be an extrovert to build team relationships." Not true! Some of our strongest relationship builders are quieter, more thoughtful connectors who excel at one-on-one conversations, are great listeners and create safe spaces for others.

Practice "conversational threading" Duhigg explains that supercommunicators pick up on subtle conversational threads and explore them. This week, when someone mentions something in passing that seems meaningful to them (even if not directly work-related), gently pull on that thread with a follow-up question.

Myth #3: “More communication equals better relationships." Duhigg would challenge this. Supercommunicators know it's not about volume but about matching communication modes to the situation. Sometimes we need analytical communication for problem-solving, sometimes emotional communication for building trust. Recognizing which mode is appropriate is a game-changer.

The Meta-Communication Advantage Supercommunicators often engage in what Duhigg calls "meta-communication" – talking about how you're talking. This builds remarkable relational depth.

Try saying things like:

• "I notice we seem to be talking past each other. Can we back up?"

• "I'm curious if what I just said landed the way I intended"

• "Would it be helpful if I shared my thinking on this?"

This kind of communication shows you're invested in the relationship, not just the outcome.

Myth #4 “All communication is connection.” In our hybrid world, it's easy to rely exclusively on text or email. But relationships need real time synchronous communication— in person is best, and second best is phone calls, face time, zoom calls, where we have each other’s voices and faces in front of us when possible.

Use the communication triangle Supercommunicators balance three elements: analytical (facts/logic), emotional (feelings/values), and cooperative (joint problem-solving). This week, identify which element you naturally emphasize and consciously incorporate the others into your conversations.

Myth #5: "People naturally know how to listen effectively." Most of us listen to respond, not to understand. Real supercommunicators practice "cognitive empathy" – they work to understand not just what someone is saying, but the mental models behind their words.

Creating Psychological Safety

One of the most powerful concepts from Duhigg's work is the importance of psychological safety in communication. When people feel safe, they share more authentically and connect more deeply.

This week, try his "vulnerability progression" approach:

1. Share a small professional vulnerability first ("I'm still learning how to...")*

2. Acknowledge others' contributions before adding your own

3. Respond to others' vulnerability with appreciation, not solutions

4. Create "designated zones" where exploration and questions are explicitly welcomed

Myth #6: Knowledge and expertise create connection Duhigg highlights how experts often can't remember what it's like not to know something. This creates communication barriers. When building relationships, beware of assuming others share your understanding or perspective.

Practice "mental frame-switching" Choose one conversation this week where you consciously try to understand the other person's mental model before responding. Ask yourself: "How might they be viewing this situation differently than I am?"

Myth #7: Clarity is connection Supercommunicators know that being understood isn't the same as being connected. You might deliver a crystal-clear message that completely fails to resonate emotionally.

Relationships and efficiency - My boss called me one day and said, “Meghan I appreciate how efficient you’ve made our team over the last few months. But I need you to swing back a bit towards relationships. Permission to Connect: Perhaps most importantly, as leaders, we need to explicitly give permission for relationship-building. In many organizational cultures, people feel guilty taking time for connection when there's "real work" to be done. Change this narrative. Start openly acknowledging that relationships ARE real work—they're the foundation that makes everything else possible. This week, look for moments to validate relationship-building. When you see people connecting, don't rush them back to tasks. Instead, recognize that what you're witnessing isn't time away from productivity—it's the very thing that makes sustained productivity possible.

Remember, we're not just building a company—we're building a community where people bring their best because they feel deeply connected to both the mission AND to each other.

Myth #8: Making it about you is connectionThis is when we constantly shift conversations back to ourselves. It's a relationship killer that Duhigg identifies as particularly damaging to building authentic connections.

Practice staying curious - one question a week.

I learned this from one of my younger colleagues who is involved with YoungLife. A student ministry working mainly with middle school age kids. Before ending any work conversation this week, add one additional minute to ask something not related to work. Keep it simple: "How was your weekend?" or "What are you looking forward to this month?" Then actually listen to the response.

Think of relationships like investing. Small, consistent deposits build balance over time. One large deposit (like an annual retreat) followed by months of withdrawals or neglect leaves the account empty. This week, focus on making small deposits across multiple relationship accounts rather than one big investment. A two-minute conversation where you remember someone's weekend plans and follow up Monday morning is worth more than an hour of forced team building.

Myth #9: "People should naturally connect on their own." I used to believe this one myself. But relationships need structure and permission, especially in professional settings. Without intentional design, people default to connecting with those most like themselves, reinforcing silos rather than breaking them down.

Final Thought: Communication is a Learnable Skill

Perhaps the most encouraging message from "Supercommunicators" is that these abilities aren't innate talents – they're learnable skills. The book reveals that the best communicators aren't born, they're made through deliberate practice.

This week, approach one conversation a day as a deliberate practice opportunity. Afterwards, take 60 seconds to reflect: "What went well? What could I have done differently? What did I learn about this person's thinking?"

Remember what Duhigg emphasizes throughout the book: The goal isn't perfect communication. It's creating moments of genuine understanding where people feel truly seen and heard. That's the foundation of camaraderie at its best.

On that note, that’s all for today.

I’ll see you soon.